The lie behind the smile

Most days I can function, I am now in a place where my medication is making me as stable as I’m going to get. So I can plaster on a smile and hide my pain for the world, as I go about my daily life.

The small annoyances of the day to day hum drum I usually ignore. For the people that know me will confirm that I am not a patient person, so when a bad day hits it’s so much harder to fake it.

And by faking it, I mean don’t we all to some degree, you nod and you smile sometimes even when things are really winding you up and you just want to scream, you don’t, you take a breath go to that special place and carry on.

I feel that I am writing this post from a place of self reflection, Winter I have noticed becomes a bad place for me mentally and sometimes physically.

Things just seem that little bit harder to carry on without cracking up, and things seems to creep in unexpectedly. 2017 it was an Iron problem I didn’t know I had, this time it’s a very low vitamin D deficiency (4
ng/mL)

I also feel some days like I am completely losing my marbles, the smallest irritations become a huge deal. I even discovered for the first time ever I had a full blown panic attack and I didn’t even know what was happening until after the event.

I know that I can’t always be a solid as rock, after all my foundations are a little bit shaky, like they have been built on a sink hole or swamp. Thanks Crohn’s.

But as I write this, I remind myself that these feelings are temporary, things get better. I might have that little wobble every now and again but who doesn’t.

So tomorrow I’m going to straighten my crown though it’s always a little bit wonky, and smile even just for a little while.