Can’t hide the feelings – being more open

I find it hard to open up about my feelings, I may tell people I have Crohn’s but I’m just not that honest about how I’m feeling most of the time.

I come from a family where we didn’t really talk about things, about how we felt & things that were going on, and I think that some of that has stuck with me.

Something that is really hard hitting and hurts alot is my mum, she had cancer and I’m not sure how long things had been going on before she got a diagnosis and when she did she hid her appointment letters and ultimately in the end decided not to carry on with treatment.

I’m not proud to say this but I really didn’t handle the situation very well either, I kinda of buried my head in the sand and ultimately was very angry she didn’t have all her treatment. I also felt incredible shame that I wasn’t the best daughter in the world, we had many arguements and I definately wasn’t around as much as I should have been.

I didn’t get Diagnosed with Crohn’s until many years after my mum died and I also should have gone to my GP’s sooner but I’m now adamant that I go to all the appointments that I need and not let stubborness get in the way of managing my illness, i.e colonoscopies and other invasive tests we have to have.

I’m currently very lucky as my boyfriend is my rock, I think he is the only one who has truly seen me hit rock bottom and helped pick me back up. That’s mainly because we live together and I know I can be totally honest with him.

For the past 2 years around December/January I have been totally lost, I seriously lost my mojo and felt so unwell due to seasonal adjustment disorder, I didn’t tell anyone and I didn’t seek help. I did on a number of occasions talk to the samaritans and this year I came clean to my manager about how I’d been feeling as I worried it might happen again.

I think it’s really important even though it’s diffucult to talk about these sorts of things and to open up an bit more, not everyone has to know but a few select people. And only share what we feel comfortable with.

With it being world mental health day the othet day this subject is more pertinent than ever to get the message out. But we don’t have to bottle things up at any time.

Better out than in, as they say.

#support #mentalhealthawareness #worldmentalhealthday #notalone #crohn’s disease

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